Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
