I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
