My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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