rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.