did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Bea Arthur died! :(
Big bird passed.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.