God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho