i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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