Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
