The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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