Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
