she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
