I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
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