It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
