Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
