I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
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If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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