You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
