Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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