Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
