If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
