this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
