I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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