I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
