if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
