We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
