im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
