First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
