I wish I could teleport
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
