one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
