Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
