My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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