I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
