So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The air taste purple.
Randomize
