forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
