So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
