I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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