your thong is hanging out like whoa
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
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I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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