i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
