The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
