Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Quick, to the slutcave!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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