At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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