Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
