The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
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Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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