So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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