WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
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