just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
