I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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