Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
