I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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