we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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