Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
