i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Less talking, more tequila
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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