My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his