I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
