What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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