you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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