whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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